Sherlock Vs Cinema
by SnivaliceLlover
Summary: John is determined to make him and Sherlock a normal couple, but an outing to the cinema with a 'terribly' written murder mystery proves otherwise. Fluff, and hysteria throughout. JohnLock - Sherlock/Watson.


"So? What do you want to see?" John yawned as he walked into the kitchen, waving the newspaper in the air as a gesture that made Sherlock look up from his papers blankly.

"What I want and what I can see are two very different matters John. For example, what I want to see, literally, is a full pot of tea on the table and Mrs Hudson laying out the newspapers. What I want to see, and dare to hope, is a stop to all criminal activity around the world and the government to lock my brother up for an exceedingly long time in a lunatic asylum. You should make yourself clearer if you wish to ask me a question" Sherlock answered, not pausing for a breath, and smiled crookedly at the doctor.

"I meant at the cinema Sherlock" John sighed, dropping the small newspaper on the table. The pages uncurled themselves, revealing a list of times for the modern box-office releases. Sherlock peered down at them and then back at the doctor, who was grinning sheepishly.

"Why would I want to go to the cinema? Each of these films last approximately 3 hours each, and within that time I could have solved three simple cases, had 45 minutes exercise, drunk 4 cups of tea and had an awkward conversation with Mycroft about the weather on the phone" Sherlock informed him, scanning down the list briefly.

"And who would want to see another motion picture about an anorexic model with ridiculously over-blown cheekbones, pining hopelessly over a male protagonist who is 'screwing' around with her best friend, whilst her mother has an illicit affair with the attractive gardener?" Sherlock used the air-quotes gesture to illustrate his contempt for the hastily-written summer chick-flick and cast a look of despair over John.

"I'd honestly thought you had more substance than that" John closed his eyes, counting to ten to allow the detective to stop his ranting and assume his usual cool exterior. It was a little trick he had picked up from Mycroft, one of the only handy things the elder Holmes brother had told him.

"I wasn't thinking of going to see that actually" John smiled, and laid his finger next to a name, grinning as he watched Sherlock frown slightly. "We're going to see the newest murder-mystery Mr Holmes. The heavily acclaimed 'Shadow in the Windowpane" and you will not show me up".

*Three hours later. In the Cinema queue*.

"I hope for your sake this is a good film John. Otherwise I may be forced to find another assistant. One with less drive and who wouldn't drag me out to this frankly flea-bitten cinema in the dead of winter, without the promise of a warm beverage and being surrounded by people who seem to just be wearing belts instead of clothes. I mean look at her!" John blushed as Sherlock pointed at one of the girls in the crowd, who was indeed dressed as she had been thrown out of a brothel and into the gutter.

"It's rude to point!" John tugged down the detective's accusing finger, mouthing apologies at the tangerine girl who was glaring angrily at the tall detective.

"Well she shouldn't make such a spectacle out of herself. What would her mother think?" John didn't bother answering him as he saw an older woman, dressed entirely in white leather and rhinestones walk up to the girl. Unfortunately, John would know what her mother would think.

"I don't think she'll mind Sherlock" the doctor whispered, nodding at the older woman. Sherlock's features were one of utter disgust mingled with shock and he turned back towards the doctor, whispering quietly and earnestly.

"Why did you take me here John? Can't we just go back?" Sherlock pleaded, looking as though he was going to burst from annoyance. It was obvious from his reactions that Sherlock had never been in this sort of company before. But since both of the Holmes brothers were odd, John had to wonder if they'd been ever allowed outside the family home.

"No" John said firmly, and grasped Sherlock's elbow through his thick coat. "We're going to the cinema. We're going to eat our body weight in popcorn – NO Answering me back Holmes-" John warned as Sherlock began to lecture him in how it's virtually impossible to eat their weight in the snack. "-And we will have lovely time! Now come on" John dragged Sherlock into the foyer and away into the darkness of the lobby.

*Three hours later*

"You're a bloody embarrassment Sherlock Holmes! A bloody embarrassment!"

"That film was wrong! So wrong! It wasn't the maid! It was the driver! The driver! John, ring up Spielberg's people, get them to answer this farce!"

"It's a film Sherlock! That was twist at the end! Now, I don't care that you worked out THE WRONG ANSWER five minutes into the film, but to announce it to the entire cinema, plus commenting on the costumes of the times was completely inappropriate!"

"It wasn't the wrong answer as you so lovingly put it! It was the right answer, they just made a mistake!"

"I doubt very much that Steven Spielberg, the Academy-Award winning director, would've directed the wrong ending to his film. And what's the matter if it was the maid? It was a crime of passion"

"Don't be so sentimental John, a crime's a crime! She should've been interrogated and questioned at the very least! I know that if I was heading this investigation and she got naked in the room, I wouldn't have had coitus with her on the table!"

"SHERLOCK! There's children around us!"

"Well done John, very shrewd that. Maybe you should've given Mr Spielberg some pointers on how to direct that film."

"It was a stupid idea taking you to the cinema! You hate all films and popular culture!"

"That's a lie… I am partial to 'In the Night Garden".

"…That's a children's programme Sherlock"

"Yes, but on so many different levels."

"..Just go home Sherlock… Go back to Makka Pakka"

"Do. Not. Speak. Ill. Of. Them"

…

"John? How do you know the character's names?"

* * *

><p>Disclaimer.<p>

I own nothing. Not even cinemas.


End file.
